MY CHRISTMAS VACATION...THUS FAR

To the rest of the world, the first half of my Christmas vacation probably wouldn't seem all that interesting, but as far as I'm concerned it's one for the books. My initial plan was to give a complete recap of my break, complete with chapter headings, but now I've decided otherwise. I honestly don't feel like putting that much effort into it, mostly because I've been spending eight hours a day at the computer for the past week working on my next screenplay (more about that at a later date). So, inspired by a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly, I've decided to hit the highlights of my break by giving out a series of awards. So here goes...

BEST PRESENT: Wonder Boys DVD, despite the fact that the disc is messed up and I can't view the trailer or the Bob Dylan music video.

WORST PRESENT: The combination flashlight/radio I got from my eldest grandmother. Completely fucking useless.

BEST CHRISMAS SONG: Little Drummer Boy. If for no other reason than Affleck walks around humming it in Reindeer Games.

WORST CHRISTMAS SONG: That "few of my favorite things" song. Because I'm not entirely convinced it's a Christmas tune.

BEST MEAL: Dinner in St. Louis at Lombardo's Italian restaurant. The food was great, and to top it off, the girlfriend was there.

WORST MEAL: The pre-Christmas gourmet four star meal my mother "cooked" consisting of hotdogs and macaroni and cheese. Yummy.

BEST BOOK: I've only read two, but I have to give this one to Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban. It was pretty damn good, plus it ate up a lot of hours during the agonizingly boring two days at grandmother's house. And for those keeping score, the other book I read was The Hobbit.

BEST MOVIE: Gladiator 2: Gladiator at Sea, err...Master and Commander. Who wouldn't want to watch Russell Crowe sail around for two hours. Plus, I'm pretty sure I spotted one of the hobbits lurking around the ship.

BEST RELATIVE IN A DRAMATIC PERFORMANCE: My father giving me a five minute lecture on the hazards associated with swinging an electrical cord around. I was just trying to have some fun.

BEST RELATIVE IN A COMEDIC PERFORMANCE: My sister. As my father was rambling on about how cousins shouldn't be allowed to breed, my sister simply offered up a "yeah". It was priceless...guess you had to be there.

WHAT THE FUCK AWARD: This one goes to my mother's little tiny crystal seahorse that came with a price tag of around a hundred bucks. Money well spent.

BEST USE OF AN HOUR OF MY LIFE: Sitting in the lobby of the hotel talking to my girlfriend. And when I say "talking", I actually mean talking.

WORST USE OF AN HOUR OF MY LIFE: Visiting the House of Butterflies in St. Louis. It's a big room that's hotter than hell and butterflies whiz around your head. Whoop-de-shit.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: Admitting to my parents that both nights at my grandmother's house I slept with the lights on. I couldn't help it. The place freaks me out.

MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT: Catching a glimpse of my grandmother as she was riding the porcelain pony. This is an image that will haunt me until the day I die.

GREATEST MOMENT: Giving the girlfriend a goodnight kiss just before she left. I'm a sentimental bastard, what can I say.

That's all the awards I have...for now...


THE BOURNE PAYCHECK

I watched the Ben Affleck vehicle Paycheck tonight, and I must say I was a little disappointed. With the directing ability of John Woo, I thought for sure this would be Affleck's one non-embarrassing sans-Damon effort. I was wrong. But it did get me thinking...what if you combined Affleck's character in this movie with Damon's character from the Bourne Identity and create a spin-off called The Bourne Paycheck.

What follows is a scene from the film...

BEN and MATT sprint around the corner of a building into an abandoned alleyway. They come to a stop, and catch their breath.

BEN: You're a pretty good runner.
MATT: You too. What did you say you do?
BEN: Oh, I'm an engineer.
MATT: You're in remarkably good shape for a scientist.
BEN: Thanks.
MATT: Just out of curiousity, do you know who you are?
BEN: Of course, my name's Michael Jennings. Why, do you not know who you are?
MATT: Not really. I've got like fifteen passports, but they've got different names on them.
BEN: I'd just pick one and go with it.
MATT: That's what I was gonna do. What's that thing you're carrying around?

Matt points down at the tattered manilla envelope Ben holds in his hands.

BEN: Oh, I sent myself nineteen items to clue me in on the future. Now that I think about it I probably should have just sent myself a letter or something.
MATT: Probably.
BEN: Did you send any items to yourself?
MATT: No, but some guy did find a little laser pointer barcode thing in my head.
BEN: You coulda just used an envelope like this. Might have been easier.
MATT: So, why were those guys chasing you?
BEN: I thought they were chasing you.
MATT: Your guess is a good as mine.
BEN: Do you have a gun, cause that could be useful?
MATT: Not right now. I've had like eight, but every time I come across one I usually dismantle it and throw it away.

Suddenly, Guy Pearce stumbles onto the two of them.

BEN: Who the hell are you?
GUY: My name's Leonard. Have I told you about Sammy Jenkis.
BEN: Did you say Jenkins?
GUY: No Jenkis, he had the same problem as me.
MATT: No Lenny, you didn't tell us about him.
GUY: Don't call me that. My dead wife, who I may have killed used to call me that.
BEN: But what are you doing here?
GUY: I don't know. I don't know what I've done.
MATT: So, you've got amnesia too.
GUY: No, I just have short term memory loss, although I have no idea how I'm able to remember that.
BEN: Weird.
MATT: Dude, you've got some pretty freaky tattoos.

Guy looks down and rips open his shirt. His torso is entirely covered in tattoos. He stumbles backwards, mouth agape.

GUY: Holy shit! Where in the fuck did those come from?
MATT: You don't remember?
GUY: I told you, I don't know what I've done.
BEN: That's convenient.
GUY: What's it say on my back?

Guy takes off his shirt. Matt and Ben move around behind him.

BEN: Interesting.
MATT: Wow.
GUY: What is it?
MATT: There's like sixty girls names back here.
BEN: Seven of them are named Jennifer.
GUY: What?
MATT: I'll be damned.
GUY: What is it?
MATT: Theres two Mildreds. I didn't think people named there kids that anymore.
BEN: You know, it could be the same girl twice. It's not like he'd remember.
MATT: Good point.
GUY: Oh my God.

Gunfire from the rooftop. A dozen bullets rip through Guy's body. Ben and Matt run for cover. The two of them duck behind a dumpster.

BEN: Quick, give me your gun.
MATT: I told you, I don't have one.
BEN: Right. Let me look at my items.

Ben opens his envelope, peers inside and pulls out a hand grenade. Without thinking twice he pulls the pin.

MATT: Wait.
BEN: What for?
MATT: How do you know you're supposed to use that now?
BEN: I guess I don't.
MATT: What if we need it later?
BEN: I suppose we'll make do.

Ben launches the grenade onto the rooftop, killing the half a dozen gunmen. Ben and Matt stand, and look at the wreckage around them.

BEN: So, what do we do now?
MATT: I guess we could run some more and see if any more guys try to kill us.
BEN: I've got nothing better to do.

The two of them shrug, then take off down the alleyway, disappearing around the corner.

To be continued...