SIC SEMPER DAKOTA FANNING

It's Friday night, and Friday night means movie night. I've gone to a movie every Friday night for the last three years or so. This of course doesn't count time spent at school, but nobody's perfect. Anyway, Mark, my movie going partner, had already seen Troy, which was the only film playing at the local cineplex that I really wanted to see. And when I say "really wanted to see" that means the only one that I thought I could tolerate. Sure, there's Shrek 2, but two guys can't go see Shrek 2 together. People would talk, and I have enough problems as it is.

But, since we couldn't pass up movie night just because Hollywood wasn't offering us anything worth seeing, we went to see Man on Fire. Some of you may not have heard of this movie. God knows I didn't know much about it, and that's saying something. In the film Denzel Washington plays a bodyguard who's hired to protect a precocious little girl played by...you guessed it...Dakota Fanning.

I didn't expect a lot going in. I knew Dakota was going to get kidnapped, and I was really excited about that. But, as usual, in order to get to the good stuff you gotta wait a while. Tony Scott, who will never be half the director his brother is, spent the first hour showing us the relationship between Denzel and Dakota. And God wasn't it fucking precious. They gave each other gifts, he taught her how to swim, and she named a teddy bear after him. Awwwwww.

But then, at exactly the one hour mark, she gets kidnapped. It was glorious. I started to stand up and cheer, but then thought better of it. Anyway, Denzel gets shot twice by the kidnappers, and they get away with the girl.

I've seen a few movies like this, so I was pretty sure I knew what was going to happen next. Denzel would wake up, get better, and go find Dakota.

But that's not what happened.

While paying the ransom, something goes wrong, even though I saw the movie, I still can't tell you exactly what, but anyway, one of the kidnappers gets killed by the police. This kidnapper is like the second cousin of the "head kidnapper" so he gets pissed and kills Dakota.

So now I'm thinking, okay, he says he killed Dakota, but there's no way he actually did. They couldn't kill off the cute little girl. People would riot. But as the movie kept going, with Denzel exacting revenge on all those responsible for the girl's death, I thought "okay, maybe they did kill that little bitch." And I was happy.

It's not until the 2 hour and 20 minute mark when we find out that she's still alive. For an hour and 20 minutes, I blissfully labored under the delusion that she was dead, and then they ripped it from me. Bastards.

But there was still a glimmer of hope. All throughout the movie there are these torture scenes. At least a dozen people get either their fingers or ears cut off, so now I'm thinking, "okay, she may be alive, but she's gotta be missing a body part or two."

But no. She was fine. Is it too much to ask that they fuck her up a little bit. The girl's been kidnapped for at least a month and she doesn't even have so much as a black eye. What kind of world are we living in?

Anyway, the kidnappers trade her for Denzel. Denzel dies. She lives. Hope I didn't ruin the movie for anybody.

I'm not sure, but I think may hatred for Dakota Fanning has gone too far. Have I gone round the bend?


SCOTT Vs. SCOTT

One thing that bothered me about the movie, aside from the fact that Dakota lives, is that the score was taken directly out of Gladiator. I swear to god. This isn't one of those things like how I swear up and down that M. Night Shyamalan and Spike Lee are long lost brothers. It's not in my head.

For those who aren't as movie nerdish as I am, Gladiator was directed by Ridley Scott, Tony Scott's brother. And for those of you who only skim, Tony Scott directed Man on Fire, which was the movie I saw tonight. Okay, now we're all caught up.

Anyway, as soon as I realized that Tony had stolen the score from his brother's movie, I really wished that Celebrity Death Match was still on tv. Wouldn't it be great to see claymation Scott brothers go at it to the death? Hell, I'd like to see that in real life, but I'll take what I can get.

So now I'm wondering who would win in a fight: Tony or Ridley? I guess we'll never know.

And by the way, while we're on the subject, who names one of their kids Tony and the other one Ridley? Huh? Who?


THE HOTTEST THING IN THE WORLD

I've given this a lot of thought, and I've decided that the hottest thing in the world is: A girl wearing nothing but a hockey jersey and a thong, with her hair in pigtails and a dum-dum lollipop hanging out of her mouth.

Can anyone argue with that? I think not.

God I need a life.

GERRY...SORKIN STYLE

A couple of years ago, Gus Van Sant (director of Good Will Hunting among others) wrote and directed a movie called Gerry. It starred Matt Damon and Casey Affleck, yes Casey Affleck...not Ben, and it consisted of two guys named Gerry walking around in the desert for an hour and forty-five minutes. Although the visuals are absolutely stunning, there's only about ten minutes of dialogue and the average shot length probably hovers around seven minutes.

Needless to say the movie didn't catch on at the big movie houses. I'd be willing to bet most people couldn't get past the first five minutes which consisted solely of the two Gerries driving down the road.

But Gus Van Sant wasn't about to let his little pet project fall by the wayside. Determined to get Gerry released nationally, he called in Aaron Sorkin, Emmy award winning writer/creator of Sports Night and the West Wing. True to form, Sorkin took a day and a half to whip up one hour and thirty-five minutes worth of dialogue. Earlier this week, Van Sant called in Damon and Affleck and they added voiceover to the existing movie. The resulting film is a talkfest with some of the best visuals ever captured on film.

What follows is a scene from the middle of the movie, after the two men realize that they are lost, but before they work themselves into a panic. In the original version, the two of them just walked along. Let's see how Sorkin was able to punch it up.

EXT. DESERT - DAY

MATT and CASEY walk. A trail of their footprints stretches behind them as far as the eye can see. They look tired. Thirsty.

CASEY: It's hot.
MATT: Yeah.
CASEY: I mean it's really hot.
MATT: It's the desert. What do you want?
CASEY: I could really use some water.
MATT: You're not the only one.
CASEY: I can't begin to tell you how thirsty I am.
MATT: You could try but I'd probably stop listening after a while.
CASEY: You know why I'm so thirsty?
MATT: Cause you haven't had anything to drink in the last 24 hours.
CASEY: Well, there's that. Plus, you can't drink sand.
MATT: Yeah.
CASEY: I mean, if you could drink sand, I'd be set.
MATT: We'd both be set.
CASEY: Yeah, but ya can't drink sand.
MATT: Well, you could, but it wouldn't be very satisfying.
CASEY: There's the rub.
MATT: You know what we need?
CASEY: To find some water?
MATT: No, we need to find the car.
CASEY: Is there water in the car?
MATT: No. I'm saying if we had the car, then we could drive and get water.
CASEY: Actually, we couldn't.
MATT: Why's that?
CASEY: Cause we used all the money we had to keep the fire going last night.
MATT: That's right.
CASEY: So even if we had the car, we'd still be thirsty.
MATT: Maybe we could find a water fountain or something.
CASEY: Are you kidding me? With out luck we'd wind up back in the desert.
MATT: Good point.

They stop walking, and look around.

MATT: What do you think?
CASEY: Which way to go?
MATT: Yeah.
CASEY: I don't know. I picked last time. It's your turn.
MATT: Straight?
CASEY: You wanna keep going straight?
MATT: Sure, it's treated us well the last five hours.
CASEY: It hasn't treated us well. I'm still hot and thirsty.
MATT: Well yeah, but we haven't run into any big ravines or anything.
CASEY: I see your point.
MATT: Yeah?
CASEY: Straight it is.

They continue walking in the same direction. The camera doesn't follow them. They walk away with their backs to us.

CASEY: Isn't there water in cactuses?
MATT: I don't know.
CASEY: But have you heard that before?
MATT: Sure I've heard it. I don't know if it's true or not.
CASEY: It's worth a shot though, right?
MATT: I don't see any cactuses, do you?
CASEY: No.
MATT: Then what does it matter?
CASEY: I'm just saying, if we run across any it might be something we could try.
MATT: Fine if you want to try it, you can.
CASEY: Are you gonna try it?
MATT: No.
CASEY: You're not gonna try it?
MATT: Not a chance in hell.
CASEY: What are you gonna do then?
MATT: I'm gonna stand there and watch you choke on a cactus.

They disappear over the horizon just as the sun begins to set.