SURVEY SAYS

At work today I talked to Heather (my coworker not Crazy Wolf Girl) about attractive female celebrities. Long story short, I now have a top ten list.

1) Mila Kunis
2) Penelope Cruz
3) Sophie Marceau
4) Natalie Portman
5) Keira Knightley
6) Emmy Rossum
7) Anna Paquin
8) Catherine Bell
9) Shannyn Sossamon
10)Estella Warren

Honorable mentions go to Kelly MacDonald and Renee Zellweger. God, I feel like I'm back in junior high.

MOVIE QUOTE TRIVIA: VOLUME II

1) Do I have an original thought in my head, my bald head?
2) I'm not a suck. I don't even know what "a suck" is really.
3) So you were having sex with the little fella then?
4) Chippawa Falls Dawsons actually.
5) No...I have unpaid parking tickets.
6) Fight the sadness, Artex.
7) He'll feel a lot better after he's robbed a couple of banks.
8) What are we serving tonight; chicken or chicken?
9) -It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.
-Goodyear?
-No, the worst...
10) What is it with this chick, does she have beer flavored nipples?
11) Your entrance was good. His was better. The difference: showmanship.
12) I'm a paranoid schizophrenic. I'm my own entourage.
13) How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
14) I wish I was that girl from The X-Men. The one that could walk through walls.
15) Oh yes, a bolt of lightening into a huge copper conductor. I thought you lived at a school?
16) -Are you aiming for these people?
-No...maybe that mime.
17) English! I want my son to speak English. It's bad enough his name is Hector.
18) Iron Man, Iron Man, does whatever an iron can.
19) I forgot my mantra
20) After you break your hand on those bricks, Barry Warry, I'm gonna go get a great big victory kiss from Lauren.

BONUS) -You are very good at swinging your butt.
-You mean your bat.
-That's what I said...your butt.


THOUGHT OF THE DAY

So tonight I was getting ready to kill a spider, and then I thought:

Hey, what if God doesn't like the fact that I kill spiders. They are, after all, God's creatures. He must have put them here for a reason. Maybe there's a special little place in hell reserved for people like me who kill spiders. But then I figured...fuck it...people who kill bugs for a living (see: exterminators) are way more fucked than I am. I'll be at the back of the spider killing line.

That's when I killed it. With a paper towel. What an awful way to go.

Thank God my girlfriend gets here tomorrow. I find that these types of thoughts are coming way too frequently...

MIRACLE ON ICE

When I was in high school, oh so many years ago, I would watch Mystery Alaska before every hockey game. It always got me in the mood to play, and at the time it was my favorite movie. This should give you some idea of how my cinematic tastes have grown. At any rate I played somewhere around 40 high school hockey games, so I've seen the movie way more times than anyone should see any movie. Period.

Now I'm playing in two men's leagues, and I have to have something to get me ready to play. I can't watch Mystery Alaska any more. It's a thing of the past, associated only with that time in my life, and digging it up again just seems wrong. I needed to find a new pre-game movie, and find it I did.

For the last three weeks I've been watching Miracle. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. It's worth your time. It's the best hockey movie made in years. And before you ask, yes Mystery Alaska was the last hockey movie made, and it came out three years ago. That is unless you count Slapshot 2: Breakin The Ice which I personally don't because it was a direct to video release starring Stephen Baldwin. Yeah.

Even before Miracle came out, I loved the story. I was a huge hockey fan, and more than any one else on my team I was a student of the game. Meaning that I studied all I could. I knew that since I wasn't all that great, and there wasn't anything I could do about that, I thought it best to learn everything I could about hockey. So I studied a lot, and one of the things I studied was the Miracle on Ice.

The story surrounding the Miracle on Ice that I love the most is probably that of Jim Craig, the goalie. Only a few months before the Olympic games his mother died, and his father lost his job. Jim could have gone and played in the NHL and earned a shitload of money, but he stayed on the United States team. Good thing he did too.

In the game against the Soviets, which for those of you who don't know was The Miracle On Ice, he stopped 36 shots. The Soviets had 39 shots on goal. Three went in which is how we arrive at 36. The general rule of thumb is one goal is scored on every six or seven shots. Statistically speaking, the Soviets should have had at least five or six goals.

The United States should have lost. We won because of Jim Craig.

My favorite part of the story, the part that nobody could ever think up or write on their own if it didn't happen in real life, is what happened after we won the gold two days later. After the buzzer sounded, and he knew that he had one the gold, Jim Craig began to scan the stands for his father. In the middle of all the mass chaos of fans cheering, players throwing their gloves, sticks, and whatever else they could find into the air, basically what can only be described as bedlam, the only thing Jim Craig wanted to do was find his dad.

I love that.

But as I was watching the movie yesterday, something occurred to me. Here, in America, we refer to what happened as the Miracle On Ice. Because to us it was just that: a miracle. But I can't help but wonder what they called in the Soviet Union at the time, or what they still refer to it as in Russia. Do they call it The Debacle On Ice? Or do they have a less couth name for it like The Colossal Pigfuck On Ice?

Just something to think about.


TUESDAY'S GONE

After Renee and I broke up we had lunch together every Tuesday. Every Tuesday until we got back together. Do you have any idea how many Tuesdays that is?

Somewhere around a dozen. Give or take a couple.

I'm sure most of you reading this thought I was crazy to spend all that time with her. But here's the thing: Even though we were broken up, we were still good friends.

Obviously though, I still had certain feelings for her. I made many attempts to hide them, but I have a terrible poker face as illustrated by the fact that I suck at poker.

Anyway, I didn't like just spending one day a week with her. Infact I hated it, but seeing as how I had lost my boyfriend status, I wasn't in any position to negotiate. So I lived with it. I couldn't stand it, but I lived with it.

My point is, that now I'd do anything to get to see her once a week. Tuesday, or any other day.

This long distance thing would be so much better if I could just learn to teleport...which I will someday. Mark my words.


MY MIND IS GOING

In the last week I've seen some of the worst shit on television, and I feel stupider having watched it. And by the way, I used the word stupider there just to illustrate how bad I feel having watched these programs.

First up, From Justin To Kelly. It's been on HBO, and since I'm writing my screenplay now, I'll do or watch anything just as long as I don't have to sit in front of that goddamn computer screen. So, I watched part of it, and it's fucking bad. As far as I can tell there's no plot. Granted I only watched about twenty minutes, but still. All the characters do is exchange laughably bad dialogue and then sing a song. It's like a glorified version of Sesame Street, except for the noticeable fact that From Justin To Kelly doesn't attempt to teach its audience anything. And as far as I could tell there were no puppets, but like I said: I only watched twenty minutes.

The second thing was something I watched today. I was watching Boiling Points on MTV, which I love simply because I think it's funny to watch assholes go apeshit. But after that came a show that I'd never heard of, and since it came after a show that I really like I figured I'd give it a shot.

I'm pretty sure the show was called Your Face or Mine. I say "pretty sure" because I think I've already blocked it from my mind. Its kinda like a game show, except there's no game. The contestants just look at people's pictures and have to decide if they are more attractive than those pictured. If the audience agrees with them, they win X number of dollars. I watched the whole thing, and I think my I.Q. dropped a dozen points or so.


QUOTE S.O.S.

The only thing worse than having a movie quote stuck in your head is having part of a movie quote stuck in your head. I'm going through that right now, and I have no idea where the quote is from so I'm asking for some help.

In the movie, and I'm hoping that it's a movie because the television universe is so expansive I'll never find it, two people are fighting. Not fist fighting, but there's some kind of feud. And I think that each side has their own entourage.

One side, the evil side, does something against the protagist, and the protagonist's friends tell them that they should couter-attack. But the protagonist, being wise, says that they shouldn't attack...

And then he goes into some parable about Bugs Bunny. And how whenever he really wants to piss Elmer Fudd off, he doesn't fight him, but he kisses him. And the protagonist thought it would be best if they kissed the antagonist instead of fought back...symbolically of course.

The quote is something along those lines. If you know what it's from, please tell me. I'm in the tall grass. I'm in the weeds.