MY CHRISTMAS VACATION...THUS FAR

To the rest of the world, the first half of my Christmas vacation probably wouldn't seem all that interesting, but as far as I'm concerned it's one for the books. My initial plan was to give a complete recap of my break, complete with chapter headings, but now I've decided otherwise. I honestly don't feel like putting that much effort into it, mostly because I've been spending eight hours a day at the computer for the past week working on my next screenplay (more about that at a later date). So, inspired by a recent issue of Entertainment Weekly, I've decided to hit the highlights of my break by giving out a series of awards. So here goes...

BEST PRESENT: Wonder Boys DVD, despite the fact that the disc is messed up and I can't view the trailer or the Bob Dylan music video.

WORST PRESENT: The combination flashlight/radio I got from my eldest grandmother. Completely fucking useless.

BEST CHRISMAS SONG: Little Drummer Boy. If for no other reason than Affleck walks around humming it in Reindeer Games.

WORST CHRISTMAS SONG: That "few of my favorite things" song. Because I'm not entirely convinced it's a Christmas tune.

BEST MEAL: Dinner in St. Louis at Lombardo's Italian restaurant. The food was great, and to top it off, the girlfriend was there.

WORST MEAL: The pre-Christmas gourmet four star meal my mother "cooked" consisting of hotdogs and macaroni and cheese. Yummy.

BEST BOOK: I've only read two, but I have to give this one to Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban. It was pretty damn good, plus it ate up a lot of hours during the agonizingly boring two days at grandmother's house. And for those keeping score, the other book I read was The Hobbit.

BEST MOVIE: Gladiator 2: Gladiator at Sea, err...Master and Commander. Who wouldn't want to watch Russell Crowe sail around for two hours. Plus, I'm pretty sure I spotted one of the hobbits lurking around the ship.

BEST RELATIVE IN A DRAMATIC PERFORMANCE: My father giving me a five minute lecture on the hazards associated with swinging an electrical cord around. I was just trying to have some fun.

BEST RELATIVE IN A COMEDIC PERFORMANCE: My sister. As my father was rambling on about how cousins shouldn't be allowed to breed, my sister simply offered up a "yeah". It was priceless...guess you had to be there.

WHAT THE FUCK AWARD: This one goes to my mother's little tiny crystal seahorse that came with a price tag of around a hundred bucks. Money well spent.

BEST USE OF AN HOUR OF MY LIFE: Sitting in the lobby of the hotel talking to my girlfriend. And when I say "talking", I actually mean talking.

WORST USE OF AN HOUR OF MY LIFE: Visiting the House of Butterflies in St. Louis. It's a big room that's hotter than hell and butterflies whiz around your head. Whoop-de-shit.

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: Admitting to my parents that both nights at my grandmother's house I slept with the lights on. I couldn't help it. The place freaks me out.

MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT: Catching a glimpse of my grandmother as she was riding the porcelain pony. This is an image that will haunt me until the day I die.

GREATEST MOMENT: Giving the girlfriend a goodnight kiss just before she left. I'm a sentimental bastard, what can I say.

That's all the awards I have...for now...


THE BOURNE PAYCHECK

I watched the Ben Affleck vehicle Paycheck tonight, and I must say I was a little disappointed. With the directing ability of John Woo, I thought for sure this would be Affleck's one non-embarrassing sans-Damon effort. I was wrong. But it did get me thinking...what if you combined Affleck's character in this movie with Damon's character from the Bourne Identity and create a spin-off called The Bourne Paycheck.

What follows is a scene from the film...

BEN and MATT sprint around the corner of a building into an abandoned alleyway. They come to a stop, and catch their breath.

BEN: You're a pretty good runner.
MATT: You too. What did you say you do?
BEN: Oh, I'm an engineer.
MATT: You're in remarkably good shape for a scientist.
BEN: Thanks.
MATT: Just out of curiousity, do you know who you are?
BEN: Of course, my name's Michael Jennings. Why, do you not know who you are?
MATT: Not really. I've got like fifteen passports, but they've got different names on them.
BEN: I'd just pick one and go with it.
MATT: That's what I was gonna do. What's that thing you're carrying around?

Matt points down at the tattered manilla envelope Ben holds in his hands.

BEN: Oh, I sent myself nineteen items to clue me in on the future. Now that I think about it I probably should have just sent myself a letter or something.
MATT: Probably.
BEN: Did you send any items to yourself?
MATT: No, but some guy did find a little laser pointer barcode thing in my head.
BEN: You coulda just used an envelope like this. Might have been easier.
MATT: So, why were those guys chasing you?
BEN: I thought they were chasing you.
MATT: Your guess is a good as mine.
BEN: Do you have a gun, cause that could be useful?
MATT: Not right now. I've had like eight, but every time I come across one I usually dismantle it and throw it away.

Suddenly, Guy Pearce stumbles onto the two of them.

BEN: Who the hell are you?
GUY: My name's Leonard. Have I told you about Sammy Jenkis.
BEN: Did you say Jenkins?
GUY: No Jenkis, he had the same problem as me.
MATT: No Lenny, you didn't tell us about him.
GUY: Don't call me that. My dead wife, who I may have killed used to call me that.
BEN: But what are you doing here?
GUY: I don't know. I don't know what I've done.
MATT: So, you've got amnesia too.
GUY: No, I just have short term memory loss, although I have no idea how I'm able to remember that.
BEN: Weird.
MATT: Dude, you've got some pretty freaky tattoos.

Guy looks down and rips open his shirt. His torso is entirely covered in tattoos. He stumbles backwards, mouth agape.

GUY: Holy shit! Where in the fuck did those come from?
MATT: You don't remember?
GUY: I told you, I don't know what I've done.
BEN: That's convenient.
GUY: What's it say on my back?

Guy takes off his shirt. Matt and Ben move around behind him.

BEN: Interesting.
MATT: Wow.
GUY: What is it?
MATT: There's like sixty girls names back here.
BEN: Seven of them are named Jennifer.
GUY: What?
MATT: I'll be damned.
GUY: What is it?
MATT: Theres two Mildreds. I didn't think people named there kids that anymore.
BEN: You know, it could be the same girl twice. It's not like he'd remember.
MATT: Good point.
GUY: Oh my God.

Gunfire from the rooftop. A dozen bullets rip through Guy's body. Ben and Matt run for cover. The two of them duck behind a dumpster.

BEN: Quick, give me your gun.
MATT: I told you, I don't have one.
BEN: Right. Let me look at my items.

Ben opens his envelope, peers inside and pulls out a hand grenade. Without thinking twice he pulls the pin.

MATT: Wait.
BEN: What for?
MATT: How do you know you're supposed to use that now?
BEN: I guess I don't.
MATT: What if we need it later?
BEN: I suppose we'll make do.

Ben launches the grenade onto the rooftop, killing the half a dozen gunmen. Ben and Matt stand, and look at the wreckage around them.

BEN: So, what do we do now?
MATT: I guess we could run some more and see if any more guys try to kill us.
BEN: I've got nothing better to do.

The two of them shrug, then take off down the alleyway, disappearing around the corner.

To be continued...

DAVE...MY MIND IS GOING

Nothing bothers me more than being out of touch with the rest of the world. I like to have the most accurate and up to date information at my fingertips. To obtain this information, I rely almost solely on my computer, which connects me to the magical world of the internet. For the last two weeks, my home computer has not been working, and I've been stuck in the tall grass. The weeds...

I was unable to make my daily visit to IMDB and check up on all the recent celebrity news. I, for one, am very interested in whether or not Ben and J-Lo are having any success at resolving their differences, and I truly enjoy the difficulty in trying to guess from which movie the quote of the day is taken from. I could not go to the NHL webpage and check up on my favorite team's current standing within the western conference. And, although it's not one of my regular stops, I lamented my inability to go to the View Askew website and browse Kevin's recent comments or take a gander at the newly added merchandise.

At any rate, my recent lack of blogging is not, as some people may have believed, due to my laziness. I just couldn't get my computer to work. My deepest appologies.

THE LOST BLOG ENTRY...IN A NUTSHELL

A few weeks back, there was a computer error when I tried to post my blog entry, and it was lost. At the time, I wasn't in any mood to recreate it, and I figured that a few days down the line I'd take another stab at it. But so much has happened to me in the last two and half weeks that I don't want to take a trip down memory lane. So, I'll simply offer the gist of the lost blog entry.

I first commented about my recent obsession with online poker. At the time, I was spending almost four hours a day playing the game, and I feared it was taking over my life. Now, all that's behind me. I haven't played since I've been home, which is mostly because my computer wasn't working, but I don't miss the game at all. It's not like I've been walking around my house with the shakes because I'm having a severe bout of withdrawal. I honestly don't care about it anymore.

I then constructed an entertaining yet informative essay on the role of the fat kid in today's society. I concluded that the average fat kid can travel down one of two paths. They can choose to be the loser kid that everyone pokes fun at and nobody takes the time to listen to. Or they can be the fun outgoing kid who has a joke for every situation and is always the life of the party. It was quite an impressive insight into the life of the chronically obese.

The last part of the entry was a comparision between my girlfriend and Kevin Smith's wife. I'll just let you wonder as to how pathetic it was.

That's about the long and the short of it. See, you didn't miss much.

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

I saw the final installment of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and I must say I was most disappointed. Although I enjoyed the basic framework of the story, I thought there were several flaws with the film. First and foremost is the noted absence of Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli throughout most of the second act. This really destroyed any emotional response that Liv Tyler's return to the side of the newly crowned king might have elicited. I also had major issues with the ending. Not to spoil the movie or anything, but the film hits its climax after Frodo and Sam destroy the big eye thing, and the movie keeps going for like another half an hour. What in the shit is that all about? Another unsettling facet of the picture was the fact that Frodo and Sam do battle against a giant spider in the third act. Hasn't the giant spider antagonist thing been done enough? Sheesh.

I did, however, find myself becoming very emotional at times. Such as when Frodo sends Sam away because he feared Sam was trying to steal the ring. I literally almost cried. The chemestry between Sam and Frodo is undeniable, and after watching the first two films, I really expected the sexual tension between them to spill over into some kind of erotic hobbit sex scene. My only hope is that it was cut out and will be included as a dvd easter egg.

All in all, the film wasn't that bad. But there were several times at which I found the same thought coursing through my brain...this isn't the end of the story. Up until the part where Frodo and Gandolf leave, I imagined the Fellowship of the Ring reuniting to create the most elite crime fighting team Middleearth has ever seen. Sure the big eye is gone, but there's still evil lurking out there and somebody's got to take care of it.

With the sword wielding ability of Aragorn, the Bullseye like precision of Legolas, and the brute strength of Gimli, they would have the ability to overcome any adversary. Frodo and Sam could act as Holmes and Watson, picking up clues and solving any mysteries that needed solving. The other two hobbits would still be there to provide comic relief and keep the group's spirits up, and they've always got Magneto around if anything goes terribly wrong.

But people are bound ask...Boromir died in the first movie. The fellowship is not complete. Who shall replace him?...the answer is quite simple: The girl who killed the ring wraith who supposedly no man could kill. It's perfect. She could provide sexual tension as any of the male characters could potentially fall in love with her. I mean, who wouldn't want to see an elf and a dwarf have a racial slur filled verbal spat over a beautful woman. Plus I think the group needed a woman to begin with. Let's face it, it was a little bit of a sausage fest.

Why let one of the greatest stories in movie history end? Keep it going. Take a page out of Sylvester Stallone's book and just run the thing into the fucking ground by producing sequel after sequel, making sure that each one of more idiotic, and audience insulting than the last. It's genius...pure genius...

COMING SOON...

A fully detailed account of my Christmas vacation thus far, including a very unpleasant experience in Southern Illinois.