THANKS BE TO JEFF ANDERSON

In my humble opinion, Jeff Anderson should be a household name, but outside the walls of 129 McDavid and The Barrio, I don't think many people know who he is. I should assume that anyone reading this blog knows who I'm talking about, but I'd hate to leave anybody behind.

Jeff Anderson played Randal in Clerks. And for those of you not good with character names he was the one that worked at the video store and insulted all the customers. By far he's the best character in the movie. It's no contest. He's competing against the whiny malcontent Dante, the pot-smoking Jay, and Silent Bob, who as his name suggests doesn't say a whole lot.

Randal makes the movie, and nobody could have played the character as well as Jeff Anderson. Nobody. I swear to Christ that man was born to play that role.

Originally Kevin Smith was going to play Randal himself. I think we can all imagine how bad that would have been. No offense to Kevin. God knows I would have is love child were I biologically capable. I'm just saying the movie wouldn't have been nearly as good. It would have flopped and none of us would ever have heard of Keven Smith, Jason Mewes, or The Quickstop.

But here's the thing: a lot more than that would have happened (or not happened as the case may be)

If Clerks would have tanked, then Keven Smith would still be working at the Quickstop in New Jersey. He never would have made Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, or Jersey Girl. Okay, so we can all agree that that's bad enough. To some of us, and I say "us" because I'm included in this, those movies are amazing. Certainly not the pinnacle of cinematic achievement...but amazing.

So now, in this totally hypothetical scenario, those movies don't exist. Never happened. Nobody's walking around saying snootchie bootchies and none of us know who the hell Walt Flannagen, let alone his dog, are.

But here's where it gets weird...if Mallrats never happened, then Jason Lee doesn't have an acting career. He'd still be skateboarding, no doubt getting the shit kicked out of him by Tony Hawk and Andy MacDonald, and only those of us with nothing better to do than watch the X-Games would ever have heard of him. And if Jason Lee isn't an actor, then he doesn't get the role of Jeff Bebe and then Almost Famous, which is one of my favorite movies, loses something. As does Vanilla Sky although I'm not quite as worried about that. His was a minor role. I'm sure they could have gotten any one of the Baldwin brothers to play the part.

With both Clerks and Mallrats gone Kevin Smith now loses any pull that he would have had in Hollywood or at Miramax, and without that Good Will Hunting, my favorite movie, never gets made. Sure somebody might have stumbled onto the script eventually, but in that town there are no guarantees. Chances are that Matt Damon and Ben Affleck would still be B-list actors. Matty probably could have crawled out of this eventually, I mean the man is a great actor, but Affleck would still be playing Basketball Player #3 in Buffy The Vampire Slayer 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Without Good Will Hunting Matt and Ben don't become those "cute kids from Boston who wrote a script together", and the Oscar goes to Mark Andrus and James Brooks for As Good as it Gets. That's just a guess, but I don't think I'm wrong.

Lacking star power Matt doesn't land Rounders, Saving Private Ryan, or The Talented Mr. Ripley...the role that pretty much solidified him as one of the greatest "young" actors in the business. And maybe I'm just overestimating the power of movies, but I think we all might have lost something there.

As far as Affleck is concerned, not much bad stuff happens. Without his name such big projects as Phantoms, Forces of Nature, Reindeer Games, and Pearl Harbor might never have seen the light of day. Thus, none of us would have had to sit through them, and the world would be a better, if not smarter, place. However, we would be without Changing Lanes which for my money is a damn good movie.

No Chasing Amy means that Joey Lauren Adams probably wouldn't have landed the role in Big Daddy. That's just a guess, and when it comes down to it who really gives a shit. As for Dogma, J&SBSB, and Jersey Girl...Kevin just used all his old friends and any other actors that he brought on board were already big names. No harm there.

I'm sure a lot more than this would have happened...the butterfly flaps it's wings in Africa and it starts a hurricane, we've heard it a thousand times, but for the sake of this blog entry let's just say that without Kevin Smith two of the biggest actors in the business and one of the most underused actors in the business wouldn't have careers at all. And Kevin Smith wouldn't have had a career if Clerks wasn't the stand out indie film of 94. And Clerks wouldn't have been the stand out indie film of 94 if Randal had been played by anyone other than Jeff Anderson.

All I'm saying is that Kevin, Jason, Matt, and Ben all have someone to thank, and it's not their agents.


THE ABCs OF HOCKEY

I've been playing hockey since I was about 8 or 9. Roller hockey that is. I didn't start with ice hockey until I was 15. In high school I was good. Not great, but I could hold my own. Until yesterday I hadn't been on the ice in over a year. All things considered I played pretty well yesterday. It was stick time, which means you just put your gear on, throw on a light or dark jersey, and you just play. Nobody keeps score. It's just ice time. I scored three goals and got four assists. I said nobody keeps score, but that doesn't mean I wasn't keeping track of how well I was doing.

Unfortunately, for yours truly, I can't play high school hockey any more. God knows that I would in a minute. I have to play in a men's league, despite the fact that I don't consider myself a "man" quite yet. They don't take that into consideration though.

There are three mens leagues: A, B, and C. The C league is pretty bad. It's filled with a bunch of guys who can barely skate backwards and goalies that just sort of flop around in the net. The B league is actually a lot better, probably better than one rung higher on the ladder should be. They skate fast, and they know what they're doing. The A players are incredible. I'd say some of them, if they wanted to, could play minor league hockey. They don't because they'd never be good enough to make it to the NHL, and playing in the minors pays less than being night manager at Quiktrip. So they enjoy their days jobs and play hockey, very well, for fun.

At my best, I would have been a step slow in the A league. I would have fit right in in the B league, and done really well in the C league.

Guess which league I'm playing in this summer after not being on the ice for a year and doing little other than sitting on my ass playing video hockey on PS2 and watching movies.

A...

Yeah...call it Murphy's Law, or Doyle's Law, or Prewitt's Law, it sucks no matter the name. But I'm gonna try and at the end of the day that's all that matters.

I just hope I don't embarrass myself. Yeah, like I've never done that before.

Godspeed Spiderman...

SPORTSNIGHT

Why can't real life be more like Sportsnight? We could all walk around and say remarkably witty things. Plus, we'd all be in good shape cause we'd walk everywhere. Even if we didn't have anywhere to go, we'd get up just to have conversations. No more sitting around in dorm rooms or apartments. We'd have to find a long hallway that wrapped around so we could go in loops just discussing anything that came to mind. And if nothing came to mind, we'd have to just rehash the same conversations over and over again. For some of us, that wouldn't be a problem.

If that doesn't sound good, think about this...most of us would be rich, and at least two of us would be on television. Sounds good to me.


DAWSON'S CREEK

Even though I had never seen an episode of the show, I actually watched Dawson's Creek today. It was okay. I didn't really know who the characters were, and it seemed a little over-dramatic, but it was good...yeah.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding. I have the first season on DVD for Christ's sake, and if you'd like to make book on whether or not I'll be buying the second and third seasons, I would not bet against it.

Anyway, I was watching "the creek" and Jen (the blonde one if you don't know character names) was talking about sex...whatelse is new. She was saying that it didn't matter that she lost her virginity at such a young age (I think she's about 15 in the first season), but then she said that within the next five years nearly one-hundred percent of her classmates would no longer be virgins. She was using this to illustrate her point, but I took it a little bit differently.

I'm still a virgin. I'd say I'm proud of it, but that's not something that one can be proud of. I think you have to actually do something to have pride in it. Not having sex wasn't really a challenge.

Anyway, if Jen's remark about nearly all 20 year olds no longer being virgins, then I'm in one hell of a minority. I'd do research to find out exactly how small the percentage is, but I don't care that much.

It's just weird to think that I have something that almost nobody else my age has. Ha ha...suckers.

...sorry


SCREENWRITING FOR DUMMIES

Last semester I took a screenwriting class to get an easy A. I checked my grades, and discovered that I got a C+ in the class. Embarrassing, yes considering that it's the career field I wish to go into. But what I can't get over is the irony...if you can even call it irony.

I took a class to get an A, and I got a C+. That's not even close. It's not like I got a B+ or a B. Then I could say "whoops guess I should have tried a little harder." I got a C friggen +. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that I'm a failure. Yes, I know that "F" actually means failure...but just go with me here. I suck.

I gotta pick a new profession. Stat...


ADAPTATION

Do I have an original thought in my head, my bald head? Maybe if I were happier, my hair wouldn’t be falling out. Life is short; I need to make the most of it. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I’m a walking cliché. I really need to go to the doctor and have my leg checked. There's something wrong. Oh well. The dentist called again, I'm way overdue. If I stopped putting things off, I would be happier. All I do is sit on my fat ass, if my ass wasn’t fat, I would be happier. I wouldn’t have to wear these shirts with the tails out all the time; like that’s fooling anyone. Fat ass. I should start jogging again. Five miles a day; really do it this time. Maybe rock climbing; I need to turn my life around. What do I need to do? I need to read more; improve myself. Maybe I should learn Russian or something. Or take up an instrument. I could speak Chinese. I could be the screenwriter who speaks Chinese and plays the oboe. That would be cool. I should get my hair cut short; stop trying to fool myself and everyone else into thinking I have a full head of hair. How pathetic is that? Just be real. Confident. Isn't that what women are attracted to? Men don’t have to be attractive. But that's not true, 'specially these days. There's almost as much pressure on men as there is on women these days. Why should I be made to feel like I should apologize for my existence? Maybe it's my brain chemistry. Maybe that’s what's wrong with me. Bad chemistry... all my problems and anxiety can be reduced to a chemical imbalance or some kind of misfiring synapses. I need to get help from them; but I'll still be ugly though. Nothing is going to change that.

DAY AFTER TOMORROW, SHATTERED GLASS, AND BIG FISH

I saw The Day After Tomorrow on Friday. It was good. I liked it. But that doesn't make much of a blog entry.

Conflict. That's what people find interesting. Nobody wants to read about how Marc and I hung out at Target for half an hour, made fun of the incredibly bad movies on the "Most Popular" rack, and then went to a movie that, for the most part, I had no problems with. That's not a good story. Sure the movie was stupid, but it's supposed to be stupid. Therefore, I have no complaints. It was a good night.

But nobody would have liked reading about that. They would have thought, or said outloud to themselves if they were bored, "Gee, Will sounds like he's doing well. Obviously the poor boy needs a life (or his girlfriend to not be four hours away), but he's obviously doing well. I'm gonna go get a soda." That's what you all would have thought. Don't try to deny it.

So, knowing this, I concocted a brilliant scenario of what could have happened in the movie. I was gonna write a whole blog entry about how the movie did nothing aside from blatantly rip-off other films. I was gonna say that the movie opened with Jake Gyllenhaal talking with a six foot tall bunny rabbit who inexpicably knew that the world was going to end. I was then going to talk about the scene where an older Jake tells his father, Dennis Quaid, of the coming destruction using an old ham radio a la Frequency. Next I was going to mention how both Sela Ward and Emily Rossom are killed within the first ten minutes, and after the worldwide destruction the movie focuses on Dennis Quaid finding the killer of his wife, supposedly a man with one arm, and Jake Gyllenhaal coming back in contact with two of his boyhood friends, one of which might have killed his girlfriend. In the end, I was going to discuss how the change in the world's climate was due to aliens who, much like locusts, move from planet to planet using up all available resources, and in order for them to take over our planet they first had to cover it in ice.

But then I realized that would just be stupid.

Nobody would have believed that. Not a word of it. But it does make an interesting story. Much better than the by-the-book disaster movie that I actually saw.

I then thought about Shattered Glass, and what can happen to someone who lies too much. I can't explain my desire to lie or distort the truth. It's just something I do. The thing about Shattered Glass though is that it's not your typical "boy who cried wolf" story. It's better in that it's not always a wolf.

That movie, more than any other, illustrates the negative effects of exaggerating the truth, or just making it up. The guy lost everything. And not everything like his friends and his job. Everything. Everything he'd worked for. He lost his reputation. Nobody believed anything he said after that. Who would?

As I was thinking about this I feared that I was approaching that territory myself. I tell stories. A lot. Most of what I say is true, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I fudge a few facts to make things more interesting. It's fun, but what if people stop trusting me? Hell, Karen's never gonna believe another word I say after I convinced her that I was Jewish and then kept the lie going for the better part of a week. Sorry about that by the way.

So for the last few days I was thinking that maybe I should put a stop to it. Just tell things the way they are. But tonight I watched Big Fish, and that wasn't the best thing for this new goal of mine. The movie's message is actually the polar opposite of Shattered Glass. Big Fish shows us that telling fabricated stories is good. That it makes life more enjoyable, and in the end is a way for our legacy to last forever.

I like that message a little better. So, I guess nothing's going to change. I'll keep telling stories as long as people keep believing what I say.

If nothing else, it's a good way to keep my friends and family on their toes.


MEETING THE PARENTS

I'm going to St. Louis on Friday. If all goes according to plan I'll be staying with Renee and her family until Monday. I say if all goes according to plan because things that I plan, especially if they have positive potential, have a way of going to shit remarkably quick.

At any rate, I'm looking forward to it. A lot. I miss her. A lot. But here's the thing: It might turn into a disaster.

First of all, I'm the older guy. Granted, it's only by a few months, but I'm still older and I have a beard and at the end of the day that's something that parents aren't particuraly fond of. Second, I can see it now, me having the awkward conversation with her dad about "keeping my snake in its cage for three days." And that's fine. It's their house, not to mention their daughter. But I'm a guy. And, everything down below works properly, so seeing her all weekend and not being able to...you know...isn't something that I'm looking forward to. I guess it doesn't really matter though. In the end seeing her and being able to spend time with her are the important things. But that other stuff is pretty fun too.

Third, I don't want to make a mess of things. I've met them before, and I had dinner with them. I thought I did pretty well, but Renee informed me after the fact that I didn't exactly bat a thousand. Her mom thought I was quiet. Her brother thought I was ugly. And when asked about the dinner her dad just made a few grunting noises but I doubt they signified anything good. If I can get out of the weekend without burning the house down or losing one, if not both, of their dogs I'll feel good.

I'll use a metaphor because I can't think of anything better to do. It's like taking a class. Right now my grade is good. I'd say hovering around an A-. And this weekend is a test. Now if I do well, my grade can only go up so much higher. But if I bomb it, I have a long way to fall. I don't like falling. It's always hard for me to find the strength to get back up.


BUTCH CASSIDY AND THE TV KID

I grew up watching television. In my heyday I was watching around six hours a day. I watched it all: tv shows, movies, sporting events, and even the occasional infomercial. I say this only to stress the fact that I know good television. In the last couple of weeks, I've rediscoverd a number of shows that I used to watch in the early days of high school, and on top of that, I found a new show that has a lot of potential.

I've been watching a lot of Jeopardy. This is my bread and butter. I never miss it. I don't think that it makes me any smarter. If I saw a repeat of an episode from last week I don't think I'd get any more right answers than I did the first time around. But it's still fun.

MTV 2 has been showing episodes of old shows. My uncle told me that they were showing Beavis and Butthead which, although stupid, remains amazingly brilliant. And I was pretty happy watching it until something came along and trumped it...Sifl and Olly. In my twenty years I've only met one other person who has even heard of the show, let alone watched it, but it's one of the greatest shows ever created. It stars two sock puppets named, you guessed it, Sifl and Olly. I can't explain it any better than that. It's kinda like the matrix...you just have to see it to understand it.

Finally, today I saw a show that I know I'm going to love. It's called Cheap Seats and its on ESPN Classic. Before anybody gets their panties (or whatever) in a bunch, it's not entirely a sports show. Sure, it has to do with sports, but it's more like if Mike Nelson and the robots aboard the Satellite of Love did sports commentary. I watched three episodes today, and it's kind of hit or miss. But when they hit, it's great.

God I need a life.


IN OTHER NEWS

I'm reading back through my old Calvin and Hobbes books, and they are genius. I just wish I could write something that good.

Maybe someday I will...