BOURNE PAYCHECK II: THE STORY THAT NEVER WAS
Since the Bourne Supremecy came out a couple weeks ago, I figured I should write another installment of The Bourne Paycheck. I was really excited about it. I just finished the most recent, and I swear to God the last, version of my screenplay, and I was pumped about the opportunity to do something ' just cause'.
So tonight I started to work on The Bourne Paycheck II: Insert sequel subtitle thing here. The first one I wrote on the fly in about ten minutes, but I really wanted to put some work into this one. I figured I'd spend an hour or so on it. You know, make it something special. But when I sat down to write it, I was suddenly hit with the fact that I had nothing to write about. I mean sure, I had about half a dozen ideas, and a couple of them were even good. But I had absolutely no idea how to connect them.
The episode, if you want to call it that, was going to start out as a Godfather parody with Michael Eisner asking Harvey Weinstein to knock off his competitors at 20th Century Fox. And to top it all off Quentin Tarantino was gonna be Harvey Weinstein's little lacky who was constantly one step away from getting killed because he never knows when to stop talking about meaningless pop culture shit. Which I figured was pretty much where I sat with most of my friends, so it was gonna have that whole art imitating life kinda thing. You know what I mean.
So, from there I was gonna have Matt and Ben enjoying a nice quiet meal at a restaurant when all of a sudden a bowling ball was going to come through the front window. Kinda like the car does in Spider-man 2, and then Matt was gonna grab Ben and the two of them would fall to the floor spinning just as the bowling ball passed overhead. You know the shot I'm talking about. Even if you haven't seen the movie it's in all the trailers. Anyway as it turns out the bowling ball was thrown by Sam Raimi who had a wicked hard-on at the sight of glass breaking.
After that Harvey Weinstein was going to bring in Colin Farrell, who was gonna have "a stupid target looking thing carved into his forehead", and Harvey was going to ask him to kill Matt and Ben for reasons unknown. While they were talking in Harvey's office, Sophia Coppola was gonna come in holding her academy award and Colin Farrell was going to kill her for no reason whatsoever. I hadn't really decided on how, but I figured what the hell could it possibly matter. It's the thought that counts.
It was about this time that Matt and Ben were going to stumble upon Tom Sizemore who, despite that fact that he had been shot more than a dozen times, was just walking around hanging out. And then, even though he was killed in the first Bourne Paycheck, I was thinking about having Guy Pierce come back just so Matt and Ben could say "Hey, I thought you were dead." Only to have Guy respond with "I don't remember." Hilarious.
From there, you guessed it, I was going to have the fight between Matt, Ben, and Colin Farrell. Due to Colin's unnatural desire to kill people with everyday objects, he was going to try and off Matt and Ben using a pack of tic-tacs. This would, of course not work, and result in Matt and Ben staring at Colin like he was a fucking retard. Then they were going to distract Colin with a Nintendo and a copy of Duckhunt, which was going to be one of the items that Ben sent himself before he...you know if you didn't see Paycheck then you're not gonna understand.
Finally I was going to have the episode end with Ben meeting J-Lo, who would of course be dressed in a fly girl outfit. And Ben would go off to sleep with her after telling Matt "Dude, she's hot. What could possibly go wrong."
Fade Out.
And now I'm stuck wondering why I couldn't make that work. I mean, I've got some good ideas there. At least I think I do. Why couldn't I string that into a cohesive story? The only answer I can come up with is that I'm a bad writer. Yup, that must be it.
Speaking of Ben Affleck though, I've been watching Gigli lately. Not the whole thing. Just bits and pieces. And it occurred to me that, while the movie was a total bomb and definately made people's respect for him hit an alltime low, at the time he could somewhat justify it by saying, "At least I met the love of my life while making that movie."
But now he can't even say that. Poor bastard.
BEST MOVIES I'VE EVER SEEN
These aren't set in stone or anything. And you could probably move any of them one space either up or down. But here goes...
1) The Godfather
2) Citizen Kane
3) Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
4) Casablanca
5) The Godfather Part II
6) Do The Right Thing
7) Pulp Fiction
8) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
9) Annie Hall
10) Mystic River
Honorable mention goes to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which didn't make the list solely because I'd only seen it once. Also it's worth mentioning that the best foreign movie I've ever seen is Chungking Express.
And now each of you is going to offer half a dozen movies that I've forgetten about. Go ahead. Make me feel like a retard. I don't care. If that's what you like. Sicko...
THE SHIT LIST
So yeah, I decided that my blog needed something. And that something was a shit list. Five people that if I happened to run across, would probably regret it. 'Cause I'd call them doo-doo heads and stuff. Nothing violent. Just call them dirty names. Right now the list stands as:
1) M. Night Shyamalan -- I think we all know why.
2) Kellen Winslow Jr. --He's a rookie football player who turned down 40 million dollars. A rookie!!!
3) Dakota Fanning --Why not?
4) George Lucas --Obi Wan vs. Anakin on surf boards riding on lava? That this hasn't been confirmed yet is the only reason he's #4
5) The man responsible for the SUV--Asshole
THE GIRLFRIEND
Okay, so I love her alot. But my question to you is: Is that possible? Can you love someone a lot, or is love a binary state? Like either you are in love or you're not. No degree. One or the other. I honestly don't know. And I guess it doesn't matter.
'Cause I love her a lot.
And having a love in my life makes it almost tolerabe that Sifl and Olly has been cancelled...for the second time...
Since the Bourne Supremecy came out a couple weeks ago, I figured I should write another installment of The Bourne Paycheck. I was really excited about it. I just finished the most recent, and I swear to God the last, version of my screenplay, and I was pumped about the opportunity to do something ' just cause'.
So tonight I started to work on The Bourne Paycheck II: Insert sequel subtitle thing here. The first one I wrote on the fly in about ten minutes, but I really wanted to put some work into this one. I figured I'd spend an hour or so on it. You know, make it something special. But when I sat down to write it, I was suddenly hit with the fact that I had nothing to write about. I mean sure, I had about half a dozen ideas, and a couple of them were even good. But I had absolutely no idea how to connect them.
The episode, if you want to call it that, was going to start out as a Godfather parody with Michael Eisner asking Harvey Weinstein to knock off his competitors at 20th Century Fox. And to top it all off Quentin Tarantino was gonna be Harvey Weinstein's little lacky who was constantly one step away from getting killed because he never knows when to stop talking about meaningless pop culture shit. Which I figured was pretty much where I sat with most of my friends, so it was gonna have that whole art imitating life kinda thing. You know what I mean.
So, from there I was gonna have Matt and Ben enjoying a nice quiet meal at a restaurant when all of a sudden a bowling ball was going to come through the front window. Kinda like the car does in Spider-man 2, and then Matt was gonna grab Ben and the two of them would fall to the floor spinning just as the bowling ball passed overhead. You know the shot I'm talking about. Even if you haven't seen the movie it's in all the trailers. Anyway as it turns out the bowling ball was thrown by Sam Raimi who had a wicked hard-on at the sight of glass breaking.
After that Harvey Weinstein was going to bring in Colin Farrell, who was gonna have "a stupid target looking thing carved into his forehead", and Harvey was going to ask him to kill Matt and Ben for reasons unknown. While they were talking in Harvey's office, Sophia Coppola was gonna come in holding her academy award and Colin Farrell was going to kill her for no reason whatsoever. I hadn't really decided on how, but I figured what the hell could it possibly matter. It's the thought that counts.
It was about this time that Matt and Ben were going to stumble upon Tom Sizemore who, despite that fact that he had been shot more than a dozen times, was just walking around hanging out. And then, even though he was killed in the first Bourne Paycheck, I was thinking about having Guy Pierce come back just so Matt and Ben could say "Hey, I thought you were dead." Only to have Guy respond with "I don't remember." Hilarious.
From there, you guessed it, I was going to have the fight between Matt, Ben, and Colin Farrell. Due to Colin's unnatural desire to kill people with everyday objects, he was going to try and off Matt and Ben using a pack of tic-tacs. This would, of course not work, and result in Matt and Ben staring at Colin like he was a fucking retard. Then they were going to distract Colin with a Nintendo and a copy of Duckhunt, which was going to be one of the items that Ben sent himself before he...you know if you didn't see Paycheck then you're not gonna understand.
Finally I was going to have the episode end with Ben meeting J-Lo, who would of course be dressed in a fly girl outfit. And Ben would go off to sleep with her after telling Matt "Dude, she's hot. What could possibly go wrong."
Fade Out.
And now I'm stuck wondering why I couldn't make that work. I mean, I've got some good ideas there. At least I think I do. Why couldn't I string that into a cohesive story? The only answer I can come up with is that I'm a bad writer. Yup, that must be it.
Speaking of Ben Affleck though, I've been watching Gigli lately. Not the whole thing. Just bits and pieces. And it occurred to me that, while the movie was a total bomb and definately made people's respect for him hit an alltime low, at the time he could somewhat justify it by saying, "At least I met the love of my life while making that movie."
But now he can't even say that. Poor bastard.
BEST MOVIES I'VE EVER SEEN
These aren't set in stone or anything. And you could probably move any of them one space either up or down. But here goes...
1) The Godfather
2) Citizen Kane
3) Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
4) Casablanca
5) The Godfather Part II
6) Do The Right Thing
7) Pulp Fiction
8) Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
9) Annie Hall
10) Mystic River
Honorable mention goes to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind which didn't make the list solely because I'd only seen it once. Also it's worth mentioning that the best foreign movie I've ever seen is Chungking Express.
And now each of you is going to offer half a dozen movies that I've forgetten about. Go ahead. Make me feel like a retard. I don't care. If that's what you like. Sicko...
THE SHIT LIST
So yeah, I decided that my blog needed something. And that something was a shit list. Five people that if I happened to run across, would probably regret it. 'Cause I'd call them doo-doo heads and stuff. Nothing violent. Just call them dirty names. Right now the list stands as:
1) M. Night Shyamalan -- I think we all know why.
2) Kellen Winslow Jr. --He's a rookie football player who turned down 40 million dollars. A rookie!!!
3) Dakota Fanning --Why not?
4) George Lucas --Obi Wan vs. Anakin on surf boards riding on lava? That this hasn't been confirmed yet is the only reason he's #4
5) The man responsible for the SUV--Asshole
THE GIRLFRIEND
Okay, so I love her alot. But my question to you is: Is that possible? Can you love someone a lot, or is love a binary state? Like either you are in love or you're not. No degree. One or the other. I honestly don't know. And I guess it doesn't matter.
'Cause I love her a lot.
And having a love in my life makes it almost tolerabe that Sifl and Olly has been cancelled...for the second time...
